The Black Forest

Dear employee,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company:

Transportation:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Mercedes, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a Proton, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Annual Leave:

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called weekend.

Lunch Break:

1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor MC Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Toilet Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

Surgery:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Internet Usage:

All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note:$ 2.00 per minute).

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary).

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.